My Light, My Strength
by JOey
Summary: Post-ep for Biogenesis. Mulder reflects on his rel


Title: My Light, My Strength. Author: Joey R. Rating: PG-13 Category: MSR (do I write anything else?), angst, missing scene(s), alternate ending for Biogenesis. Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish they were, wish Mulder's waterbed and non-existent fish were mine but they're not. They all belong to the very rich and very talented CC. (No, I'm not sucking up.) He created them and he earns all the money from them, I earn nothing. At all. Spoilers: Biogenesis, small one for FTF. Summary: Yet another Scully visits Mulder fic/missing scene. So sue me. I only saw the ep. last night! Mulder POV. Archive: Please do. Let me know where, though. Feedback: All welcome at Joey@Ram32.freeserve.co.uk or Joey_r83@yahoo.com - feedback cherished and will be rewarded with a yummy Mulder clone. Flames: If you can find the time to write them, I'll try to find the time to read them. Dedication: Lisa, Lyndsey, Tanja, Erin, Exfilia, Mary, Ashley, Note: This story has nothing to do with any other stories written by me. Visit my fic@ www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Park/1240/ If the writing seems a little...jumbled, it's because I'm trying to make the sentences sound like Mulder's thoughts. Probably failed but never mind, it was worth a try. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The simple lack of her is more to me Than others' presence ~ Edward Thomas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -------------------------------- My Light, My Strength By Joey R. ++++++++++++++++++++ My Light, My Strength (1/3) 

I'm cold. Very cold. And alone. But not alone. 

It's hard to explain. I have trouble explaining it to myself as I sit here in my cell. Alone. 

That's what this is. A cell. My first thought when I woke up in this place was " God, they've finally put me in the nut-house." That was before my foggy, muddled brain processed the situation and I realized I was in trouble, serious trouble. 

That was why I called out to Scully. She didn't come. I know she tried but she'd been stopped, stopped by the doctors, by Skinner, by Diana. It's mildly comforting, though. Knowing Scully tried, knowing my Scully would never let me down. 

This thing, it's more than being able to sense the presence of people and it's more than being able to read their thoughts, their darkest and deepest and most secret thoughts. I can also feel what they're feeling. Being like this was scary at first, then it was interesting and intriguing. Now it's disturbing, confusing, frightening and painful. 

I know things I didn't wan tot know, I know Skinner is betraying us, Scully and I. But I understand why. He's being threatened, with his life, by those sick, sadistic people who hold the switch and can end his life with the flick of a thumb. He went against their orders to call Scully to tell her about me. I want to thank him for that. I've been much calmer since her attempted visit. I only regret it was thwarted by Diana. 

Diana. There is so much I need to tell Scully about Diana, so many lies I need to warn her about. Diana is a very complex woman, like Scully, but that is where the similarities end. Diana is a cold-hearted and self-centered woman. She's very calculating and plans to come between us, for her own reasons and to keep in the good graces of her real superiors, superiors who aren't in the FBI. 

Scully was right when she said Diana was working against us and was trying to divide us. Still, I doubt Scully even imagined Diana could be as manipulative and selfish as she is. I'll have to tell her, when I see her again. 

Diana wants Scully to believe there's something still going on between me and her. There isn't. Diana wants Scully to believe Diana and I slept together before I was brought here. We didn't. She tried to seduce me, I resisted. It wasn't very hard, especially not when I kept comparing her to Scully. I was angry at her, Diana. I wanted answers I knew she'd never give me. That was when she used the stun-gun on me. She was afraid, I think. She didn't think I could hate her as much as I do. 

She was and wasn't following orders when she tried to seduce me. She was told to gain my loyalty by CGB Spender and by her other lover asides from him, Alex Krycek. I didn't know she was sleeping around as much as she is. When I get out of here, I think I'll tell old Smoky his girlfriend is cheating on him with his servant. It'll be worth it, for his expression and for hers when she finds out he knows. 

The other reason she was trying to seduce me was to save herself if her plans failed. She thought - honestly - that I was still attracted to her. That I still loved her and that I'd keep her safe if she ignited our relationship. I've never loved Diana. I thought I did once but that was before Scully. 

Scully. The effect of her presence was like a sedative, it calmed me down and they stopped giving me the drugs. Who needs drugs when you've got the woman you love? Unfortunately, she isn't here. She's gone to try and find the other artifacts. I can feel the calming effect wearing off. 

Panic grips me. My head begins to hurt and spin and I hear voices, a million voices. I feel the emotions connected to those voices, a combination of feelings and emotions and I'm in pain, I'm angry. I want to get out of here. I want to go somewhere quiet. I want Scully. 

Diana's watching. I can sense her. I know she feels bitter because she knows now Scully is the only one I trust, the only one I love. Scully is my light, my strength, my rock in the storm that is a torrent of voices, thoughts and feelings. 

I am tormented by this..this new ability. 

The doctor and Diana and Skinner know I'd be calm if Scully was here. They have different reactions to it. Diana feels resentment and hatred, I momentarily fear she'll hurt Scully if she gets the chance. The doctor is amazed but he thinks Scully and I are lovers and now he knows Diana lied and about herself and I being lovers. He would let Scully in to see me, he will when she comes back. He'll stand up to Diana, for the good of his patient, me. He knows I won't hurt Scully. I only hope Scully knows. Skinner knows I won't hurt her, he suspects it's because of my feelings for her. He thinks we're lovers, too. And if we're not, he thinks we should be and that we will be. 

I wish we were. I wish Scully were my lover, I want her to know I love her. I'll tell her someday. I repeat this over and over to myself as I pace the floor of my small cell. I repeat it as I lie down on the uncomfortable, pathetic excuse for a cot and rock back and forth. 

The voices, the emotions...I hurt with the lack of Scully's presence. They're about to overwhelm me. Scully's absence is more painful than it usually is because of my heightened sensitivity. 

Soon, Scully. Soon. 

Come Back soon. 

End of Part One. My Light, My Strength (2/3) 

I've lost track of time. I don't know whether I've been here for a day or a week or a month or just a few hours. It feels like I've been here for a lot longer, it feels like an eternity has gone by since Scully was here. 

I think she's coming home today. I woke up, unsure whether it was morning or night, and my head hurt less than it did when I went to sleep. 

I'm glad. I need to see her, now more than ever. I need to talk to her before Diana does. I need to tell her the truth before Diana tells her the lies. Diana came to see me yesterday, I pushed her away so she ordered a sedative. That was how I managed to get to sleep. I was drugged. She hasn't been back since. I think she's waiting for Scully, waiting to cause trouble. 

Another hour, or maybe another few minutes, passes before I feel it. 

The voices and emotions washing over me fade. Although I'm getting used to them, I'm relieved. I can hear my own thoughts now and I feel my own feelings. I feel Scully. 

She's close, maybe coming in though the entrance of the facility. She's getting closer and closer. I imagine I can hear her footsteps, when all I can hear is her thoughts. She's talking to me. 

I can't help fight a smile. I sit up on the cot and wait. I hear the conversation she's having with the doctor. I hear Skinner, he's relieved she's here but worried in case Diana comes back. 

Scully's looking at the monitor. I resist the urge to wave. They'll think I'm nuts if I wave at a camera I'm not supposed to know about. She bites her lip, worried about me. She never worries about herself. She doesn't listen when the doctor tells her what to do if I get violent, she's watching me, worrying about me. She's relieved to hear I've been calmer since her last attempted visit. Except from when Diana came into the cell. She thinks it's 'interesting' that I reacted that way. There's not a single panicked thought that I could act that way when she comes in. She trusts me. 

I can't read her thoughts anymore, I can't feel what she's feeling. It's not because I've lost the ability. I just suddenly realize that this is Scully, I invade her personal space when we're together enough. I want to give her some privacy, it's the least I can do. 

She's coming closer, I can now hear her footsteps. I don't think she cares about what happened between Diana and me. She just wants me to be safe. I feel my heart well but I tell myself to stop invading her mind but it's hard. I know I have to tell her about Diana. I know I have to tell her I love her. But I don't know how long she's going to be allowed in to see me. I don't think anyone knows, I think it's until Diana gets here. 

The door opens. Scully walks in, her eyes instantly searching for me. They lock onto mine. I swallow. Hard. 

Oh, God. A few days without seeing her and suddenly she is more beautiful to me than I ever remembered her being. She's gorgeous. I'm too busy looking at her to notice the door being shut and locked behind her. I don't care. Locked in a room with Scully. Maybe I'm not in the nut-house after all, maybe I'm in heaven. 

Scully walks towards me, slowly. At first I think it's because she's afraid I'll hurt her but then I hear her thoughts. She's afraid I'm still hurting and any quick movement will hurt me more. 

I smile and stand, reaching a hand out to her. She smiles back and takes it and my heart stops momentarily. God. 

I guess this heightened sensitivity is good for something. I feel not only the rush of feelings that washed over me at the contact, I feel the rush of feelings that wash over her. 

For a moment I think she is about to cry. She looks sad and then quickly hides it, for my benefit. She doesn't want to me to know. She's upset because I'm in here. 

God. I must be in a real state. I haven't shaved for a while and I am only allowed one wash a day and I have to be supervised for that. Maybe Scully could take over from the guards..I wouldn't mind that. 

" Mulder?" She sounds uncertain but she is relieved to be in the same room as me, in the same place. At last. " Are you okay?" 

" I'm... better, now you're here." I don't think before I say the words. I don't recognize my own husky voice. I feel no regret after she processes the words and smiles again, pleased at them, pleased at my honesty. I don't hesitate in tugging on her hand and pulling her into my arms. She comes to me willingly, as I knew she would. I bury my head in her shoulder and hair, enjoying the experience and reveling in the emotions and sensations that wash over me. 

I feel my own joy at being able to hold her. I feel her relief and her joy at my holding her. She's safe in my arms, she feels safe in my arms. I feel safe. It's amazing really. We're two different people on the outside but on the inside, during this and moments like it, we are the same. We feel the same, we think the same. We are the same, in this way. 

" Scully, I.." I want to tell her. I want to tell her everything. I find I can't. I can't interrupt this experience. I can't get the words out, I can't get my mind to process them. I'm preoccupied with this..this moment. 

Scully is like a drug. She's addictive. As I hold her, I realize that she is my addiction. 

I sense her reluctance as she pulls away. She takes my hand and leads me to the cot where we sit closely, in silence, for a few moments. I hear her process her thoughts, trying to be the sensible one and put the effect our embrace had on her out of her mind. She has to get down to business, one of us has to start. Otherwise, we'd sit here and do nothing, just think and enjoy our time alone together and then we'd regret it when we were parted. 

" You have to go there, Mulder. You have to see it," she tells me softly, knowing I'll fill in the gaps. 

" Will you take me there?" Again, I don't think about my words, they just come. 

" Of course." A brief smile flashed on her lips. The smile quickly fades. " I..I didn't want to believe it at first. I wanted to pretend it wasn't there but it was, it is." 

" Did you find the artifacts?" I ask, trying to put her at ease. She's uncomfortable talking about something she doesn't want to believe but can't deny. She's seen it, she's seen an alien ship like the one in Antarctica. I can see it, too. In her minds eye. 

" No," she shakes her head and I sense her disappointment in herself. She thinks she's let me down. I give her hand a squeeze and she looks up into my eyes, ready to speak honestly. " I was distracted, I wanted to come back and see you. I was worried." 

" I know, it's okay," I lean in and press my lips to her forehead. God, I want to kiss her lips, for once, without being interrupted. I freeze, my eyes opening. 

She wants me to kiss her too. The air between us is like electricity. We both feel it, we both want it. But we're both scared. Scared of what will happen if we do, scared in case we'll be making a mistake. She's not sure if we're ready. 

I want to tell her I love her but an image, a disturbing image, flashes in my mind. It is an image of Diana. And me. Kissing, in my apartment. 

I'm confused for a minute until I realize it isn't from my memory. It couldn't be, it never happened. Then I realize it is an image made up in Scully's imagination. And she's hurt by it, believing it to be true. 

Surprising Scully and myself, I wrap an arm around her waist and lie down, pulling her down with me. We lie in silence, with my arms around her, her back to me and I try to ignore the feelings that again wash over me. 

I feel her pain, I feel her trying to shut out those thoughts and images that aren't true, the thought and images Diana planted in her mind. She keeps telling herself it doesn't matter and she keeps thinking that if it was true, then I'll be hurting if I know how Diana has betrayed me. She doesn't think of herself. 

I have to tell her, I have to tell her the truth. And I won't let her leave until she knows. 

End of Part Two. My Light, My Strength (3/3) 

She hasn't said anything. She just accepted my moving us into this position as my need for comfort. I'm going to tell her. When my heart calms down. When hers calms down. When we can both think straight. 

" Scully.. Dana, I know what you're thinking, about Diana and me. It's not true," I began, my hands taking hers. " It's what she wants you to believe, a lie. One of the many lies she's told and is going to tell." 

" Why are you calmer now?" Her question catches me off-guard. I try to find out what she's thinking but there are so many thoughts going round in her head, it's hard to pinpoint the exact one. I think she's done it on purpose, so I don't have an advantage. 

" What do you mean?" I try to buy myself sometime, I want to know what's wrong. I want to know so I can ease her mind. I hate feeling my Scully's pain and confusion and I hate not knowing what it's caused by. 

" You're calm, not acting crazy. Why?" She sounds curious, cautious. Her voice sounds small. " Is it because of me?" 

" Yes," I answer honestly. " It's because of you." 

" How?" Scully tries to turn around but I won't let her. I somehow can't bear to look at her as I tell her I love her. It sounds stupid, being that I'm so intimately in tune with her thoughts and feelings but I can't look her in the eye. I can't tell her and see her reaction but I'm eager to feel her reaction. 

" Because you're a calming influence," I answer seriously. " I don't know how to explain it. You just... I feel safe when I can hear your thoughts and feel your feelings. You stand out from everyone else. You're..You're pure, you're you. I trust you." 

" So you can hear every thought I think and feel everything I feel?" She sounds amused but still curious. 

" When you're near," I tell her, my voice coming out as a whisper. " I knew you were coming today. I could tell when you were in the building. It reassures me, Scully. Your presence cuts through the confusion and the pain that I get from everyone else's thoughts. You're sincere and it doesn't hurt when you're here. It hurts when you're not." 

" I don't understand it but I believe you," she responds softly. A few seconds later and I know that she's telling the truth. She does believe me. Always. " What were you going to tell me about Diana? I don't think we have much time left so you have to be quick." 

I let her turn around in my arms as I begin to feel Diana's presence. I know our time is almost up. For now. 

" Nothing happened between Diana and me. Nothing ever will happen. She's trying to come between us," I tell Scully. My words come out in a rush but I know she understands why and can understand what I'm saying. " She tried to seduce me, she thought I still loved her but I don't. I never did. She's working for CGB Spender and sleeping with him. She's also sleeping with Krycek and is scared when Smoky finds out, he'll kill her. Unless she's in a relationship with me. I..She wanted to gain my loyalty and use that against Smoky if he tried to kill her. She also thought I'd look after her if we were to become involved again. I..You have to believe me, Scully. Nothing happened. No matter what she tells you, nothing went on in my apartment. I don't know how I got there, never mind how she got there. And then she tried... I pushed her away and she used the stun-gun on me. I woke up here." 

" Mulder." Scully smiles at me. She reaches a hand up to touch my cheek. " It's okay, Mulder. I believe you." I smile weakly at her and take her hand. My smile fades. " Mulder? What's wrong?" 

" You have to go now," I tell her, feeling my heart sink. " They're coming..Diana's here. She wants you to leave." 

" I'll be back later, Mulder," she promises me. " I'm going to get you out of here." 

I know she means it. And I believe she will. If anyone can get me out of this hell hole, it'll be Scully. 

Before I know it, Scully has freed herself from my embrace and is standing looking down on me. It doesn't surprise me how I feel her no longer beside me, physically and emotionally. She smiles a goodbye and turns to go to the door. It's then I remember that I have something else to tell her. 

I quickly get up and move over to her. She turns when she senses movement and looks up at me quizzically. 

" There's something else I have to tell you, Scully," I murmur softly, taking her face in my hands. She knows what's coming, she just wants to hear me say it. She needs to hear me say it. So I do. " I love you, Dana. 

She doesn't say it back. She just smiles and stands on her tiptoes, her hands moving to my shoulders as she leans up and kisses me. I close my eyes as the feelings, hers and mine, wash over me. 

Somehow, I am aware that she is feeling everything I am feeling and that our thoughts and feelings are one. Our first kiss. I'm lost in the sensation, so is she. The sensation of kissing and tasting and experiencing this for the first time. The sensation of knowing exactly what the other is thinking and feeling. It's...it's simply incredible. There are no words to describe how we feel as we kiss. At least none I can think of. 

The door is open, I can't remember when it opened. I was too lost in Scully and she was too lost in me. She pulls back and looks up at me, biting back a smile as Diana stands looking furious whilst Skinner and the doctor exchange knowing looks. 

" Well, I think that'll keep you help you hold up for an hour or so at least, won't it?" It's a rhetorical question, I know that. But I have an answer for her. 

" I think it'll help me cope for as long as it takes," I tell her, meaning it. I'm certain I can get through however long I have to stay in this hell hole with the memory of that kiss. 

" 'Bye, Mulder," she rolls her eyes at me and starts to leave. " I'll see you when I can." 

" Be careful," I warn her, casting an ice cold look in Diana's direction. They both get the hint. Scully knows Diana's planning something and Diana knows I'll kill her if anything happens to Scully. 

I go back to my cot as the door closes. I am lying down when I hear Scully's voice in my head, as clear as if she were standing in the cell talking to me. 

_ It's followed by a warm feeling which I know is Scully smiling to herself. _

I can cope in here for as long as it takes. I know what's waiting for me when I get out. 

X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X Scully came to visit me every day for the last week. We haven't kissed again. We silently decided and agreed that we'd save it, for when we're somewhere private and we know we won't have to say goodbye after it. We've been talking about work and how I'm going to get out of here. And what we're going to do when I get out of here. She's going to take me to the alien space craft and we're going to find the missing artifacts and piece together this latest puzzle. 

She came today. Today is the day. Today is the day Scully and the Lone Gunmen get me out of this place. Today, Scully presented Diana with the papers that said Scully was my physician and my legal guardian. That means that the doctor listens to Scully and only Scully about me and my treatment. 

I'm drug free and I feel good. I've learned to shut out the voices and the feelings in my head. I can cope now. I'm no longer a slave to heightened sensitivity. 

I'm sitting staring at the camera, knowing Diana is watching. I want to smile. She doesn't know I'm leaving today. She thinks she's got time to sneak in here and drug me to make me violent so I'm not allowed out. 

Sorry to disappoint you, Diana. I'm going home. With Scully. 

I stand. Scully's here. The Gunmen are with her. Langly and Frohike stay in the van. Byers and Scully are coming to get me. Scully's told the doctor she's taking me to a private hospital that her friend, DR. Byers, works in. 

It's a load of BS and everyone knows it. They're just going along with it to make the process go by smoothly and quickly. They know Scully will get me out of here, whether she has their co-operation or not. I know my Scully, she'd break me out of here with the Gunmen's help if she had to. 

The door to my cell opens. Diana is there but I ignore her. I walk into Scully's waiting embrace. She smiles up at me and takes my hand. We're leaving. 

We're leaving together, just as she promised and I know I'm going to be okay. Scully and I are going to be okay. We have each other to watch each other's backs. 

We're going to solve this puzzle together and, most importantly, we're going to stop hiding from the truth and each other. 

End of Part Three. End of Story. 


End file.
